Episode 7: Is this the most loaded word ever created?
In which our protagonist tries to cut the cord of “should”
I once had a dear friend who, nonetheless and unsurprisingly, did some things that really annoyed me. The biggest one was what I saw as living by a checklist: I am in my 20s now, so I should be having dinner parties. I need to have a holiday fling. I need to try illicit drugs at least once. I need to be a manager. I haven’t got engaged yet - don’t tell me I might not have kids until my mid-30s?! And so on, and so forth.
I didn’t blame this friend for their life choices, but I also didn’t realise it was their sort of mindset that drove my own insecurities. It was less than healthy for me to be around: it made me question my own decisions, constantly. I wasn’t having dinner parties; I was still living at home with my mum and brother. I wasn’t engaged; I couldn’t even get asked on a date. I had never had curiosity (still don’t!) about drugs.
Besides, the quickest way to get me to not do something is to tell me I should be doing it.
Honestly, that’s one of the reasons I fled to the other side of the world: at that time back home, I felt like it was expected you’d have a mortgage and family by your late 20s. I knew I would never get there, and the impact that had on my self-worth was not great. It fed into my inner monologue that I wasn’t enough, that I was a terrible, useless human and it was no wonder no one wanted to be around me. And so the vicious circle continued, the snake biting its own tail over and over and over.
(Reader: the new location did not cure all ills. It should have, I told myself, but it did not, and so that was my fault as well.)
The curse of expectation
It wasn’t really my friend’s doing, even though they bore the brunt of much of my grumps; we were and still are living in a society built on should. The world loves to tell us how our life should be, especially what we should be achieving and on what timeline.
And the weight of should did not get easier as I started to work on my mental health, as late as I was coming to that work. Now there was a whole new world of shoulds that were designed to get me healthy and happy.
For me, the worst of it comes from what I’ve recently heard described as the culture of “toxic positivity”. You know the type: to be mentally well, you should meditate daily. You should do yoga for an hour. You should have a vision board. You should get some activewear and post photos on social media - #wellness #positivejourney #blessed. That sort of lifestyle didn’t look like me either - it was full of skinny women in lycra doing the warrior pose in full makeup in a minimalist environment or a pristine beach. That didn’t look like me or my world, therefore I should not start on that journey until I did look like that - I should lose weight, change my style, grow my hair, get more flexible, get a new house, get rid of my possessions…
The should lurks even in the most well-meaning of spaces.
“Living in our worth”
To help me on this journey to being self(ish), I’m doing a group course with the inimitable Lucy Sheridan, working on my comparison issues. The shoulds are looming large for me as I progress.
I’d always told myself that I had a self-esteem issue, or that I just needed a bit more self-confidence and everything would be fine. Deeper down, though, everything coalesced around an issue with my feeling of worthiness. I was not worthy of love. I was not worthy of success. I was not worthy of time or effort. And I was not worthy because I was not enough - I needed more, and to figure out what that more looked like, to make myself worthy. It’s a never-ending cycle of “more >> but what? >> just more, OK? Be like her, or him, or them.”
Lucy says that everything in life is an invitation to be in our worth. That when we behave in the direction of travel - towards those aspirations and values that guide us - we are operating in our self-worth. We’ll get there through a series of small steps, not a total immediate overhaul. Move slowly, incrementally towards the goal; ruminate and integrate, and when faced with a decision, always ask yourself if the outcome demonstrates your commitment to your own worth.
And the way to repair, restore and reinforce your self-worth? It’s those boundaries I’m still figuring out. I’ve made some Big Difficult Decisions and had some Big Difficult Conversations already in this journey, and I’m learning that the quickest way to increase my self-worth is to ditch the shoulds and just do what I need to, for me.
The shoulds have never been kind to me. They’ve held me back, put me in a holding pattern, made me feel like shit, like I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t enough. Made me scared, fearful of change, of failure, and of success. But the shoulds are a societal construct. Who says we should have done something by some arbitrary timeline? Who says we should behave in a certain way because it’s expected? Of course, use your discretion - the rule that you should not go to the shop naked is probably a sound one - but never, ever let the faceless “society” tell you that you’ve failed and are unworthy just because you’re single (at any age), or because you hate your job, or because you’re still renting, or you enjoy smashed avocado on toast, or <insert thing here>.
Our uniqueness is what makes the world interesting. Ditch the shoulds and march to the beat of your own drum. Find your own self(ish). From here on in, I’m trusting the universe and my own intuition - not the shoulds.
Have you ditched a should lately? Let me know in the comments ⬇️
The week ahead 🗓
After last week’s episode, some of you commented about the number of courses I admitted to taking right now. I know, I know, and yes the lesson has been learned: even when on sabbatical, you still need to double check the time you have available before signing up to things. The good news is, some of them are now over! And there’s no big events or other drains on my energy this week, so the world is opening up once more...
Courses: Continuing with Comparison-Free Me with Lucy Sheridan, shedding my expectations of others’ expectations and learning to trust myself. It’s a between-week for Toil & Trouble, but my homework is to interrogate spell writing!
Writing: That piece I was writing for a top-secret 26 project came together at the last minute, and I’m incredibly grateful for all the good vibes that got me there! It’s into editing mode now. Maybe I’ll start thinking about the world of my novel this week, but I’ve set the deadline to be back into it by the end of February.
Work: Nothing happened on the work front last week - well, I AM meant to be on sabbatical! - so I still need to sort out some websites and create a survey to inform my new coaching practice. Seed sewn: maybe I need to extend the sabbatical?
Home: Personal space is sacred, yet I’ve been neglecting my home - the place I’m stuck 24/7 right now - and it’s a total nightmare. My plan this week is to tackle one room, just one room, for a clean-out. I know it will help the headspace, but I have an energy blocker when it comes to these things. (Yes, OK, fine, I’m a hoarder…)
Routine: And of course, I aim to continue my daily practice: morning pages, 15 minutes of meditation, 10 minutes of stretches, and something that passes as exercise.
Finally, join me and hundreds of others at Writers’ Hour every week day: 8am GMT, EST, PST and AEDT
On the stereo 🎧
As the Love Continues, by Mogwai
Mogwai is one of those bands that I’ve known about forever, who I’ve even seen a few times, but I never really sat down and listened to an album from start to finish. That changed with the release of their latest a few days ago. I can’t stop listening to it - equally uplifting and menacing, darkly atmospheric yet positively gorgeous - and I can’t wait to be in a hot, dark and sweaty room listening to it played live.
Off the shelf 📚
This book has been recommended to me so many times in recent years, but I was always put off by the career focus of it. Honestly, I wish I’d read it earlier. I’m only half-way through, but it’s been so eye-opening so far. I had never realised I was making myself small with my people pleasing; I now have tools to, as Mohr puts it, play bigger. To be myself, in all my glory. Which leads us to this week’s visual confirmation...
Visual confirmation 📷
Sometimes, we need those visual cues to refocus our attention on what matters. At least, that’s my excuse for getting this mug - and it caused quite a stir on Instagram, too!
Oh how you have hit the should on the head. I can relate to so much of what you describe with such honesty and humour. It is amazing and eye-opening how one little modal verb can be the cause of so much 'shoulding' on oneself. It is the inner critic's favourite tactic, it seems. Toxic positivity certainly has a lot to answer for, particularly how it undermines mental health.
Thanks Lauren. I really enjoyed reading this, especially as my Sunday has been a steady flow of 'should' reminders which I thought I had started to shake off. Perfectly timed - thank you!