Episode 13: Radical acceptance and fresh approaches
In which our protagonist joins the body and the mind and embarks on a new way of being
Dear reader, fear not the number attached to this episode; it’s actually my mum’s lucky number. I’m taking it as a good sign that I reach episode 13 just as I embark on the first day of a new lifestyle. Yes, today’s missive is one more dedicated to the physical needs of being self(ish), though the mental is never far away. I am one of those who believe there is no divide, that each fuels the other, making one big ecosystem that drives the human body.
Today, with my doctor’s blessing, I start the Fast 800 programme. It’s a radical reset of my physiological being, but one I believe I desperately need. I’ve covered before my habit of embarking on this diet or that programme and losing hope or interest quickly, but those were always tinkering at the edges. The work I’ve been doing on my own mental wellness so far has put me in a much more ready state to admit what I’ve always run from, screaming in fear: I have an addiction to food. Specifically, I have an addiction to bad food, to sugar, to anything that is not good for me - and, conversely, an aversion to everything that is actually good for me. So I’m approaching this like rehab. I need to go cold turkey on my triggers in order to desensitise my cravings. The Fast 800 helps people to not only lose visceral fat - that horrible stuff that congeals around our organs and puts weight on around the abdomen - but also to get blood sugar and blood pressure levels into a healthy range. Tick, tick, tick on all the things I need to do.
Of course, I’m full of fear. I fear I’m not strong enough. I fear I won't be able to handle the cravings, because they will come. But I also know I need to act now. I can’t continue to exist in pain, out of breath, always craving the bad stuff and full of guilt and shame about the way I eat. I am only just starting to find the life that is truly me - I have too much still to give, to achieve, to experience. I can’t just give up. To literally roll over and die.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my food issue is a compulsion, an addiction, a way to prove to myself that I am indeed unworthy of the good in life. So here I am, calling time on that bullshit: I deserve good health, and I’m going to get it. This short-term restrictive programme leads to a total lifestyle overhaul, a new way of being, a brain without the fog, a heart that doesn’t struggle to beat, lungs that can take in enough air. Just as I’m fuelling my brain with words of wisdom, so I must fuel my body with what it needs to get back on an even keel.
Feeling unworthy can fuel addictions
As part of my journey to self(ish), I’ve done a lot of pondering about how the hell I got to this place. How did I neglect myself so badly? How did I find myself swept up in the ebb and flow of life and forget how to live intentionally, if I ever knew how to at all? I found a potential answer in Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance, which I started reading this weekend. The very first chapter is entitled “Something is Wrong With Me”, and in it Brach talks about those feelings of deficiency that plague so many of us - the feeling that we are just born unworthy - and says those feelings go hand in hand with feeling separate from others and from life. She then links these feelings to more:
“Our feelings of unworthiness and alienation from others give rise to various forms of suffering,” she writes. “For some, the most glaring expression is addiction. It may be to alcohol, food or drugs. Others feel addicted to a relationship, dependent on a particular person or people in order to feel they are complete and that life is worth living. Some try to feel important through long hours of grueling work - an addiction that our culture often applauds. Some create outer enemies and are always at war with the world.”
I tell you, dear reader, the alarm bells were probably heard all the way in Australia when I read that passage. Brach isn’t the only one to make these links, but for some reason it sunk in this time. Maybe I was just ready to hear it; my mind had been made up about the changes I need, and this validated those decisions. I remember a therapist once trying to coach me as if I had an eating disorder, which I vehemently denied… but what is a sugar addiction if not a disordered way of looking at food? The time is now; I am ready and I am here for action. Please be patient with me in the coming weeks as I adjust for I am likely to be grumpier than normal.
Our time here is strictly limited
Then, as if by design, today a quote from Marcus Aurelius popped up on my Instagram feed thanks to the London Writers Salon:
“Remember how long you have been deferring these things, and how many times you have been granted further grace by the gods, and yet you have failed to make use of it. But it is now high time that you realised what kind of a universe this is of which you form a part, and from what governing part of that universe you exist as an emanation; and that your time here is strictly limited, and unless you make use of it to clear the fog from your mind, the moment will be gone, as you are gone, and never be yours again.”
I hear you, ancient Stoic. I am here to do the work. I am ready to step into my authentic self with full health, full head and full heart. It’s going to be tough, no doubt, but my eye is on the prize: time. More time to give, more time to live. And more energy to realise my full potential instead of the constant pain of merely taking up space.
Until next time, please keep the chocolate away from me.
The week ahead 🗓
Writing: I’m continuing with my April plan for the novel: at least one hour a day just playing around in the world, be it thinking, planning or writing. Let’s see how we get on. I’m also going to do some work on my much-neglected author website.
Work: Getting further into talking about and planning a top secret project with a most wonderful friend. Details later this month!
Health: Today’s my first day on the Fast 800 programme which incorporates Mediterranean-style eating, fitness directions and mindfulness.
Routine: And of course, I aim to continue my daily practice: morning pages, 15 minutes of meditation, 10 minutes of stretches. Plus, join me and hundreds of others at the LWS Writers’ Hour every week day: 8am London, New York, California and NZ.
On the stereo 🎧
Måneskin - Zitti E Buoni
Dear reader, it’s almost time for my guilty pleasure: Eurovision. But please, don’t let the fact this is a Eurovision song stop you from listening. My word, Italy’s entrant blew me away from the minute I heard the opening riff. Yes, riff. This is pure grungey garage rock and I am in love. There is no competition this year, Italy gets all the points.
Off the shelf 📚
The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks
Hendricks argues we all have an Upper Limit, and that is what stops us from moving into our “Zone of Genius”. “Each of us,” he writes, “has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.” Sound familiar? I have, in the past, been the Queen of Self-Sabotage, so this really resonated. While I did find the writing quite corporate - he knows an awful lot of CEOs - and rather too focussed on getting rich, there are some interesting concepts covered and I can see why coaches and therapists have told me to read it for about a million years.
“When you surpass your Upper Limit thermostat setting, a little voice admonishes you from deep within your mind: you should not be this happy (or rich or creative) because you are fundamentally flawed. This thought creates cognitive dissonance, the mind rattle that occurs when you try to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time: Given that I am fundamentally flawed (or wrong or bad), how can I possibly be this happy, rich and creative? The cognitive dissonance must be resolved in one of two ways: by returning to your previous thermostat setting, or by letting go of the old, limiting belief, which allows you to stabilise at the new, higher level.”
Visual confirmation 📷
I try not to bunny-spam you, dear reader, but it is Easter. The little monster wishes one and all the best of the season. May Spring bring you the shoots of new life you seek and deserve, and may you be as chilled as Saunders on literally any day.
I've also radically changed my diet in the last two weeks, as I am finally admitting that my body cannot digest cows milk, gluten, processed food and most sugar. I thought it would be unbearable, but it isn't. The key is to eat something for breakfast with NO SUGAR (so no muesli for me). When your body doesn´t start the day on this sugar roller coaster, you magically stop craving it. I eat a boiled egg plus goats yogurt with berries and I actually love it. Remarkably, the firey rage of anxiety that used to burn my stomach is gone.
Yay! You can do it (and inspire to take better care of ourselves ❤️). I’m here if you need too xx