Episode 14: The Great Battle of Turtle vs Hare
In which our protagonist wonders what everyone’s hurry is
Dear reader: are you currently at the pub / in a shop queue / generally out in the world? What’s it like out there? I’ve seen the photos and the Twitter trends and, I’ll be honest, it scares me. I was worried about this pent-up desperate need for consumerism and jollity and what it might do to the average Joe, and it seems my fears were founded in something like fact. The people have been released and there is less dancing in the street, more standing in a queue for TK Maxx. And I can’t help but wonder what TK Maxx holds that is so wondrous it requires an early-morning queue on the day that shops reopen. Any time I’ve visited their premises, it’s been a jumble sale with the bits that no one wanted in other stores the previous year…
Don’t get me wrong; I love that signs of life are returning here in the UK. I am desperate to get out of the Sutton I’ve been confined to since mid-March 2020, to see something beyond the bounds of Nonsuch Park or Morden station. But I’m not in a rush. I’ve spent the best part of the last year “shielding”, in the parlance, and it’s going to take me a while to get back up to speed with how the world works. However, I had hoped the enforced pause might help us to rethink how we were living collectively, to seek a better, healthier, less rushed existence… but perhaps not. Maybe I was too optimistic there.
I shouldn’t be so surprised, really. I know from lived experience that the modern human has developed a habit of rushing. We rush through our days and then lament wasted time. Our list of regrets grows a mile long. But what I’ve come to realise as I travel on this journey to self(ish) is that only by slowing down and letting yourself feel can you truly understand your needs. Only by taking a pause to reflect can we recognise and build on beneficial experiences and stop distractions. Only by considering what we actually need can we stop searching for the missing piece that will make us whole.
Tara Brach (see this week’s “off the shelf”) writes in Radical Acceptance: “We may spend our lives seeking something that is actually right inside us, and could be found if we would only stop and deepen our attention. But distracted, we spend our life on our way to somewhere else.”
The water’s been under our nose all day long
I follow the work of Dr Elise Bialylew - a good friend introduced me to Elise’s Mindful in May programme a few years ago and I quickly became a fan - and was recently listening to an interview she did with neuropsychologist Dr Rick Hanson.
Anyways, something Dr Hanson said really hit home with the whole “slow down” thing I’ve been pondering. He talked about how, in evolutionary terms, thinking and cognition are newer than gut emotion; we need to pause for a moment to let what we’re seeing and experiencing connect to the emotion it instills in us deeper down. This is where mindfulness becomes less of a trendy thing and more of a necessary behaviour.
“It’s like we’re in the desert searching for water, yet water’s been under our nose all day long,” he says.
That was like a hammer to me. I rewound and listened again, and then again. It resonates with what I’ve come to realise as I recover from burnout and breakdown: I used to spend all my time chasing validation from external sources, when all I really needed was to pause and look within. I’ve always been here, crying for the attention I’m only just started to provide to myself. As Dr Hanson says, our brains are turbo-charged for what we pay attention to, so our thoughts need to connect what we see with what we feel so that we can treasure the good and understand the less good for us. To enable change in both behaviour and attitude, we must pause and attend.
Stop the war and let go
So, dear reader, as we emerge back into the light, let’s not rush out of lockdown - let’s slow down. Let’s not regret all the things we didn’t achieve in the enforced pause; let’s appreciate the extra time we had to think. I vote we be less hare and more turtle in our approach to living from here on in.
To wrap us up this week, as I reflect on slowing down and connecting experience to emotion to wellbeing to self-worth and self(ish)ness, I want to come back to Tara Brach. She quotes the Indian master Bapu-ji:
“My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time is come - your time to see, to celebrate, to live, to trust the goodness that you are.
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
And if one comes, even in the name of “truth”, forgive it for its unknowing.
Do not fight. Stop the war and let go.
And breathe into the goodness that you are.”
Until next week, remember to take a pause and don’t rush in. Just breathe. The world (the shops, the pub) will still be there tomorrow.
Homework, if you fancy it
(I’m looking at you, Abbey)
Some of you will know I’ve been exploring witchcraft both as writing research and as something I’ve been fascinated by probably since I first saw The Craft (the original, that is) in the cinema as a teen. I’ve always felt drawn to the esoteric, and am starting to explore why that is by attending classes with the supremely talented Alice Tarbuck and Claire Askew. As homework we were tasked with making a charm, and so I opted to make one for increasing self-love and self-worth. Here’s what I did, in case you want to make one for yourself.
To make my charm for increasing self-love and self-worth, gather:
Rose quartz, for universal love and self-care, comforting and grounding
A cinnamon stick, to purify negative energy and ignite passion
A few drops of vanilla, to befriend the self, and relieve stress and anxiety
A few drops of lemon, to remove blockages and enable connecting with the self
Some rose petals, the flower of love
A sigil of your name enclosed in a heart
I placed these in a small linen bag and while I packed it, I recited the lovingkindness mantra: “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be safe, may I live with ease.” I’ve placed it on my bedside table so I can soak it up while sleeping. My intention is to, each morning as I wake, hold it with eyes closed and recite the lovingkindness mantra. (Better than doom scrolling first thing, no?)
When I’m feeling down or in need, I will hold it in my hands and recite the following spell while visualising a healing white light emanating from my heart to cover my whole body.
My spell for self-love and healing:
“I cleanse myself of resentment and judgement, of fear, guilt, shame and doubt.
I call on my inner critic to quiet.
I accept and love myself in all my imperfections.
I bathe myself in enlightened understanding of my life experience.
I love you, darling [insert name].
So mote it be.”
Let me know if you make your own and how you feel about it!
Quick plug on behalf of a talented friend
Way back when I started this newsletter, I spoke a lot about the reflection writing journey I was doing with the inimitable Joanne Bell and her Write to Thrive offering. It was exactly what I needed to start me on my journey to recovery and being more self(ish), and I shout loud about everything she does. Well, she’s launched another round, so you get a chance to do it, too!
Write to Thrive is offering a 30-day reflective writing journey combining relaxed and uplifting guided sessions with daily prompts to help you quieten the inner critic, practice self-compassion and nurture your goals. Get the details and tickets over on Eventbrite.
The week ahead 🗓
Writing: I was getting super frustrated with novel progress last week, and just as I was about to throw my hands up in surrender… I had an actual breakthrough. Let’s make it official: I am working on my next novel, entitled (for now) Fertile Ground. It’s a folk horror and it’s exploring some big themes. Stay tuned!
Work: Oh, I am so SO excited about my top secret project. I wish I could tell you more already, but we’re figuring out the finer details. To be launched by the end of this month!
Health: I’m not Bridget Jones and I’m not going to start reporting on pounds lost and cigarettes smoked (mainly because I don’t smoke) and all that, but let’s just say the first week of the Fast 800 has been interesting. Incredibly successful, but I’m drinking an entire ocean every day with the, erm, obvious side effects. I am happy to report I’m already feeling so much better in myself, and I can really feel a difference.
Routine: And of course, I aim to continue my daily practice: morning pages, 15 minutes of meditation, 10 minutes of stretches. Plus, join me and hundreds of others at the LWS Writers’ Hour every week day: 8am London, New York, California and NZ.
On the stereo 🎧
This Will Destroy You
Music is incredibly important to me. It is like the air that I breathe, the blood in my veins. Everything has a soundtrack. Lately, the soundtrack has leaned towards atmospheric rock, and This Will Destroy You is my current soundtrack of choice. Pure beauty that’s both uplifting and calming at the same time, TWDY is fuelling my journaling, my fiction and my life right now.
Off the shelf 📚
Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach
I spoke a bit about this book last week as I’d just started it, and it did take me a while to get through it because it is DENSE, but it’s such a fascinating read. Totally resonated as well. She looks at how feelings of self-doubt and insecurity hold us back - she refers to the “trance of unworthiness” - and leads us towards trusting our innate goodness. It is very much rooted in Buddhist philosophy so it might not be for you if you’re not into that, but Brach has so much wisdom to share about how we can accept ourselves with compassion and honesty. Importantly, she relates it to connectedness and our need to be connected not just to our inner self, but with others as well - an important message as the world starts to wake up again.
“We often distance ourselves from emotional pain - our vulnerability, anger, jealousy, fear - by covering it over with self-judgment. When we push away parts of ourselves, we only dig ourselves deeper into the trance of unworthiness. We might clearly perceive the faults and shortcomings of ourselves and others, we might recognise we are judging, we might acknowledge that we are stuck in anger or craving or fear. We might even say we accept what we see, but Radical Acceptance has two wings - compassion as well as mindfulness. We cannot be accepting of our experience if our heart has hardened in fear and blame.”
Visual confirmation 📷
I picked up some decks from Mal Paper a while back and have finally started using them. The Questions to Empower deck provides some good journaling prompts, but the Affirmation Deck seems to be speaking directly to me.
This is maybe my favourite post so far. I love how you write. I was hoping people would reflect and move to a different kind of normal – one that was better for our health and that of the planet. It saddens me.
So excited about Mindful in May! Having not lived through the massive Lockdown you have, I’m a little jealous of your opportunity to re-start and emerge with purpose and a plan. Busyness is the devil and I suffer from it so badly - thankful for Mindful in May and the opportunity to find some peace again.